Well, well, well. It appears that you all have been forced to discover what I have known all along; a dog’s life is not all bacon and cheese.
As you may or may not be aware, my column (this column) has turned me into quite the celebrity in the canine world. It’s getting hard to keep up with all my fan mail. My Instagram account is at a staggering 99 followers and counting. As a result of my celebrity status, I have been hearing reports from dogs all around the world that their humans are doing exactly what my humans are doing: nothing.
Well, they are eating a lot and sleeping a lot and watching way too much TV. But that’s about it. They haven’t left the house in days. They wear their pajamas 24/7 and are not using deodorant. They’ve completely taken over the couch, and my brothers and I are sick of looking at their stinky feet. (We like the smell, but they need to clip their toenails.)
At first, we were worried. We figured it must have been something they ate, as the household supply of toilet paper was suddenly the main topic of discussion. But after consulting with other human-owners, and spending a few boring minutes actually paying attention to what they were watching on TV, we realized you are all, officially, “in the dog house.”
You are crated, kenneled, tied-up, in ‘time-out,’ etc. You have been ordered to “sit” and “stay.” You can’t go to the movies or out to dinner or even to the dog park. You can’t have friends over. You are stuck inside except for the far-too-infrequent walk.
Welcome to our world.
I know some of you are probably struggling with being obedient to the “stay at home” command. Being ordered to do something can really bristle your fur. But it is for your own good. You need to remember that commands like these are delivered out of love. We — us dogs who love you and want to keep you safe — have all been there, and we totally understand your frustrations. Being stuck at home every day, all the time, with only dinnertime to look forward to, can be hard. But you’ll get used it. It just takes a little time. Trust me, in a relatively short period of time, you will have found that perfect spot to curl up in and take a long afternoon snooze.
I want you all to know we are here for you. We are ready and willing to make some room on the couch. And if you happen to drop a few pieces of caramel corn while munching your way through the extended editions of Lord of the Rings, we’ve got your back.
Prince Zuko is a Welsh Corgi. He can be found on Instagram at @corgiprincezuko. He can also be reached via email at email@example.com.